I feel really overstretched lately, like I’m committing to too many things and half assing all of them. Doesn’t help that my stress tolerance is pretty terrible.

I’ve been struggling with a lot of things in general lately and been trying not to whinge, partly because ya know, keep a positive attitude and all, and partly because I’m trying to put things in context and these are all such first world issues. But lately I find that all it means is that I keep my mouth shut and stuff still bothers me. Need a new strategy. Or just a full out bitching session. Hmmmm.

Other than the actual organized events (company trip, Rotaract conference, etc), I seem to be spending a lot of time doing little things that somehow involve Not Being Home – yes boo hoo my life is so hard, shush – anyway, it’s not that I don’t enjoy it, but I am forcing myself just a little bit. For some reason, and I think I have pointed this out before, I only feel like I’ve had free time if I’m at home by myself. It has nothing to do with any preference for one activity or another. It is just that if I don’t get a reasonable amount of time to myself, I start feeling like I haven’t really unwound. To be fair, my definition of a ‘reasonable amount of time’ is probably a bit off. But man, all I want to do lately is just stay home and watch anime and play games. FAMILIAR games. I am socially tired as hell.

But speaking of the internet, I realized I waste a lot of time. Well, I don’t waste it, but it’s not productive. Like, I’ll pick up a book I’ve read 5 times before (I think at this point, I could identify/summarize any Sherlock Holmes story by the first page and title), or play a game I’ve played before, or stalk Facebook profiles I’ve stalked before. I do a lot of things to kill time and relax, but I tend to prefer familiarity. I’d rather watch a series I’ve seen before than pick up something new. Not really a problem in itself, but when I pander to it too often, it is; I could probably survive at home with no new media for a year and in a sense, I almost have been doing that. My most comfortable state is sitting at home being a lazy ass with something familiar.

So, partly because of that, I’ve made a conscious effort to get out and about more, which has mainly involved:
- Joining Rotaract
- Joining my brother when he goes out (this is an activity in itself, it’s like the Club of Seng™)
- Dragging myself out of the house for things I normally wouldn’t, otherwise known as Don’t Be A Lazy Shit.

And it has worked a little too well. I just realized that since the beginning of December, I’ve spent one full weekend at home. Altogether it’s going to be 8 out of 10 weekends away from home for at least one night, though to be fair some of that is work, and some of it is visiting Dan. A lot of it has to do with timing… but it is still exhausting. I’m a homely person, dammit! Or just lazy at heart.

A few people have told me that the biological clock is ticking, and actually, now I think about it, it sort of is. Until a year or two ago, I was 100% on no kids. But not because I want to have a little me, or because halfies are hot, or babies are cute. So I guess really, it’s not a biological clock…

The only reason I’d want kids – and I say this with the belief that I wouldn’t enjoy it except for looking back, and only because it would be nostalgic – is because in ten years, my life probably won’t be a whole lot different from now. I want to travel. I want to live in other countries. I want a job I enjoy, but I don’t want it to consume my life. I want to be married to a man who will set up a geek room in our house with me.

I could be very wrong. Maybe in ten years I’ll be living in China, miraculously having picked up Mandarin, and teaching at a nursery school. Maybe I’ll be in retreat in a monastery in Nepal. Hell, maybe I won’t even be around anymore. But bar all that – my life will not be fundamentally different from the way it is now. My day-to-day will be similar. And beyond that – what else is there?

I know if I’m just looking for long-term projects, those are out there too. I could take up a hobby. I could volunteer somewhere. But I am a fundamentally lazy person. I generally live a life of least resistance. And I’m not sure I see the higher purpose in a hobby. Perhaps volunteering. I could get into environmental issues. But… for ten years? More? When I was looking for jobs, a lot of things felt pointless because I felt like I had no day to day purpose. Same thing, but on a larger scale. My career will not define my life – what then, will? What will my day to day purpose be? When I look back on my life, what will I say beyond “I enjoyed it while it lasted”? Or am I alright with that – I certainly have been for the last ten years. Who’s to say I won’t for the next ten or beyond?

(…… actually, you know what the scary part is? I am feeling “this is actually not that bad.” I am also thinking what the fuck is up with me for thinking that. man!)

Second thing: I have no damn clue how to get anywhere!!!

I guess if I’m going to get lost, good thing it’s in Singapore.

I proceeded to completely forgot about them for the next twenty-four hours, when I happened to glance down and see the green wrapper and remember I had mint kit kats. in fact, I had forgotten them so completely that seeing them made my day all over again.

I mean, nothing wrong with having your day made twice, but feeling like a goldfish is possibly not worth the tradeoff.